Built for Guilt and Sadness

Perhaps it is my Catholicism, perhaps it is part of my perfectionist nature, but I seem to be built for guilt.

I feel guilty when religion is discussed. I have been asked several times by both Catholics and non-Catholics to act as an apologist, and I am not necessarily up to the task. I am not that well versed in the scriptual verses. (As a comedian once said, "I'm Catholic, I take their word for it.") I'm also not that good of a Catholic, I don't even go to Mass every week. I don't even know how to pray properly. Catholics have set prayers we are all supposed to memorize. I have the Mass down. I never need a missal (book) for the prayers we say at Mass. I even do the priest's parts in my head or in a whisper. But my other prayers are either rote memorization or feel like wishful thinking.

I have been listening to the Catholic Answers Live podcast daily since the beginning of Lent and I'm not that much better at getting to Mass. Though I am trying to recommit to that portion of my faith. I am interested in finding a Catholic Bible study group but haven't found one yet. When I would go is also a problem. A 3 year old may not be that welcomed, and where should E go when I find one. The radio show has pointed me to several books that I want to read. I will post these later, the list is at work.

Of course if I do get these books I may not read them and I will feel guilty about this. It's the curse of a perfectionist's nature. I have an image of how the perfect woman's life is supposed to go and, well, my life is far from that image. I don't read often enough, fast enough, or well enough. I don't clean well enough or often enough. I don't exercise -- at all. I don't eat properly.

From Guilt to Sadness. The fact that I am single and, now that I am in the suburbs, alone is a great source of sadness. I don't have someone to talk to each night after E is asleep, I don't have someone to share my life with. I don't have a helper, a sitter, a lover, a friend.

I have found myself near tears several times a day lately perhaps it's hormonal but it is generally when I think about my own sins and the Passion of Christ. I want to go to confession before Easter but again the question of what do you do with a 3 year old while you're in "the box".