St Therese and the Red Ferrari

I may be in the midst of a midlife crisis. I took a Children's Writing Course and learned a most valuable lesson -- that's not what I want to do with my time/life. On the last day I realized it was my version of a red Ferrari. It was a lot cheaper and I got to share it with my friends Goo and the Brown.

I really feel like I am in crisis mode. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am searching for myself, for my calling, for my purpose. I try to listen for the voice of God to help guide me, (One benefit of this crisis is an increase in my faith in Christ and the Catholic Church) but I not used to listening for God and I'm not sure what he sounds like. Does he sound like Donald Hayne, Cecil B. DeMille's assistant that was tapped to be the voice of God as the Pillar of Fire, in The Ten Commandments? Or is God's voice more like Alanis Morissette in Dogma or George Burns in the Oh God! movies?

I have been trying to follow the example of Saint Therese of Lisieux the Carmelite novice who trusted in Jesus to make her holy and relied on small daily sacrifices instead of great deeds. I do not love washing dishes but when I think of it as a small sacrifice for my son and God's son it's not so bad. It's almost therapeutic to reflect on Jesus' sacrifice while trying to scrub off the burnt on mess or to think about the benefits of baptism while your hands are immersed in scalding dish water.

I was on vacation last week and had what I thought were modest goals for my time. I didn't realize what a "time suck" shopping for a used car and getting a quote on a bath tub replacement was going to be or how exhausting used car guys would be. I didn't even get the house cleaned let alone the windows washed or the mattresses flipped or any annuals planted. (Ok I got the herbs planted but you can't go through the summer without the "crops".)

This week has been a bit hectic already. I went back to work on Tuesday and found we are really short staffed and we have early deadlines because of the Memorial Day holiday. I was also informed that we will only have three people in the office on Friday when everything is due! Three! Until a month ago a full staff was nine people. Then my friend "the Brown" was transferred and we've been making due with eight. Friday it will be three! I'm still stunned.

Home life this week has not been perfect either, last night I singed my hair and burnt a knuckle on the NEW grill (thanks Bobert!) Monday I twisted my ankle (nothing serious, thank God) playing soccer/kick ball with E and the neighbor kids. Getting E down has been a challenge and I have been exhausted all last week and the first couple of days of this week but still unable to sleep. But tonight I've been awake and fairly energetic. We had reworked leftovers which weren't bad and I got the kitchen cleaned up -- it's a miracle. I feel tired but not exhausted, satisfied and not too overwhelmed, I may be able to sleep tonight. If I can't sleep I know there are 2 baskets of clothes at the foot of the bed that I can get up and fold. Always want to feel like I'm accomplishing something.

I could rant about dissatisfaction but I'm going to save that for another day when I've got more time and can really do the subject justice.

"Then in the excess of my delirious joy, I cried out:
O Jesus, my Love...my vocation, at last I have found it...
My vocation is Love!"
- Saint Therese of Lisieux